Clear communication at work – Misunderstandings trigger 4: Relatedness

Part of a blog series on the SCARF Model by David Rock. Part 4 of 5.

Know what you want to say, know what is going on.

Understand psychological communication triggers at work and learn how to avoid them so that your team can collaborate and create freely.

Helpful vocabulary is underlined and explained below!

David Rock: The SCARF Model

SCARF is an acronym and stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. If you are upset about something that happened with a colleague at work, David Rock says, it might be that you were triggered in one of these areas. Social pain, Rock tells us, is felt by the brain as sharply and acutely as physical pain. So it’s no wonder then that when there is conflict at work, we end up feeling “hurt”, “injured”, and that we spend large portions of the day “licking our wounds” afterwards.

Understanding what your triggers are (and those of your colleagues) can help you communicate better and enjoy a workplace with less unnecessary pain and stress.

If you are a leader, understanding these triggers is a powerful tool that will help manage your teams more smoothly and in a way that keeps everyone feeling safe, happy, and productive.

This post is about the third trigger: Relatedness.

(Click here to get to the posts about Status, Certainty, Autonomy, and Fairness).

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Relatedness

Relatedness is about our connection with other people. We are social animals and so our relationships with others are key to our well-being. If we don’t feel safe at work because we think we can’t trust our colleagues or because we feel disconnected, our commitment to work will be low, our willingness to collaborate will decline and our creativity will suffer.

Example: You and your colleagues have been working remotely for the past two years. You only see each other online in team meetings and stay in touch via email and Slack. It’s working fine and you can all get your work done easily and many of you even enjoy working from home more than commuting to the office. But you often leave team meetings with a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach: is your boss mad at you for some reason? Why did they all seem so annoyed when you talked about your new idea? And why did no-one laugh at your joke? The meeting is over and you sit there alone by yourself, trying to shake off these weird feelings. What would help you would be going to lunch with your team or asking your colleague for some feedback while you’re getting coffee. Even just a smile from your boss as he leaves the meeting room. But you’re not in the office and all you have now is a blank screen. It’s easy to feel lonely and there is nothing silly about feeling isolated and disconnected. You need to find ways to strengthen your team’s Relatedness and foster a positive, psychologically safe culture so you can stay connected, safe, and happy.

Dont’s:

– gossip

– worrying about how people feel about you when they are not there instead of asking them

Do’s:

– connect with others

– find creative ways to connect and spend time together

– talk to colleagues 1:1. Pick up the phone instead of writing an email after a team meeting.

Helpful phrases for talking to someone who is experiencing this trigger:

“Hey, I thought it would be nicer to give you a quick call than to write an email. How are you, anyway?”

“Hey, I just wanted to ask if you want to talk about what happened in the meeting earlier.”

“How was your weekend?” PLUS something you share about yourself! This is essential. Example: “How was your weekend? Mine was a bit crazy to be honest, with both of my kids sick at the same time! I’m almost happy it’s Monday and I’m back at work, haha.”

Click here to read Rock’s original article, watch this talk about his insanely insightful book Your Brain at Work, or check out the Neuroleadership Institute who offer great free webinars about creating psychologically safe, brain-friendly and inclusive work places.

And if you want more tips and resources for clearer communication in English, sign up to my newsletter below!

EDGY VOCABULARY FROM THIS POST:

acronym = an acronym is an abbreviation (=a short form) using the first letters of each word, e.g. ASAP (as soon as possible) or IDFK (I don’t fucking know)

licking your wounds = IDIOM: when someone hurt you and you want to go away somewhere and feel sorry for yourself

commitment = how deeply invested you feel and how much you identify with something

working remotely = working from home; telecommuting

commuting to the office = the way from your home to the office and back

in the pit of your stomach = FIXED EXPRESSION a subconscious feeling in your gut/ in your belly

shake off = get rid off, let go

foster = When you foster a positive culture or attitude, it means you work on it with care.