Being “too much”
Or: how to deal with negative feedback.
I love this picture of me in my carnival costume at four years old.
It shows so clearly how happy it has always made me to express myself, to be a little too much, a little extra... a little edgy, if you will.
My whole life, I've had these two extreme sides: the quiet daydreamer and the extraverted performer.
When I was a kid, I remember that I was praised more for my quiet, sensitive side: teachers said I was "gentle" and "thoughtful" and always kind to others. But they also warned me that I sometimes went "over the top" or got "carried away", that I was "too loud”, especially when I was playing or telling stories. This made me feel ashamed, and it began to feel wrong to be loud and outgoing, to be the centre of attention. As a teenager, I became pretty much completely withdrawn and spent years alone in my room reading, drawing, and writing in my diary. I was happy in a way; it felt safe and familiar to be alone, and to enjoy my imagination only by myself. But I was so, so lonely. And the performer was still there, trying to find a way out: this other side of me that wanted to show the stories I was writing and the art I was making. School didn't feel safe enough to share it and so for some years (ca. 13-16), I found friends on the internet that I could "be myself with". I was online after school and at night every day for hours, talking to my online friends about music, books, and films that my classmates only made fun of me for. I think it’s this time that gave me enough courage to then discover theatre as a place where I could express myself. I started acting in school when I was 17 and then joined several amateur groups in Hamburg. Here, I felt I could be both as dreamy and as 'extra' as I liked to be, and still connect with people. Everyone there had the same 'problem' after all. All of us were a bit "too much".
This week, I was reminded of what those teachers had said to me: that I was being “too much”.
I got back a feedback form from a workshop I gave for some teacher colleagues two weeks ago. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive but there was one comment that stuck out like a sore thumb:
"The workshop could have been better if the presenter sat on her hands instead of trying to imitate a demented Italian with her hands swinging all over the place to every word she spoke, and frequently being thrust at the camera like those movies where a train is coming towards you and everyone ducks! The best way to avoid this 'nervousness' is to sit back in the chair instead of leaning forward, and intertwine your fingers as you speak."
And for a moment, it was back: the old fear of "that was too much".
But that moment only lasted a few seconds. In fact, I couldn’t even really focus on the criticism because I was so distracted by how absurd and hilarious that comment was!
And luckily, I thought very quickly: the kind of person who writes a comment like that is really not the kind of person I care about impressing! There were about 30 people in the workshop and all of the rest of the feedback was positive. They said the workshop had been extremely helpful and no-one else complained about the way I presented.
Later that day, I had to re-watch a recording of myself because I was preparing a session (NOT because I wanted to see if he was right, lol!) and it’s true: I use my hands a lot when I’m speaking. I gesture a lot and I move around in the camera quite a bit. Too much? Maybe! But you know what, nobody else has complained so far. Also, I think that online, too much body language is better than too little body language. Definitely the last thing I’ll do is “sit on my hands” when I’m presenting or “lean back in my chair” and “intertwine my fingers”! Why? Because I’m not Santa Claus, that’s why. Seriously, who else sits like that?
So, to answer the question of how to deal with negative feedback? Well, you probably want to take it seriously if it’s something that many people tell you and where you can see that this is something that is an obstacle to you connecting with people. But if it’s someone who just doesn’t like your style? Fuck it! Not everybody is going to like it, and that’s really fine. Shake it off. Laugh about it, if you can. Or turn it into inspiration for a blog post :)
Proud to look like a demented Italian,
too much Sarah
EDGY VOCABULARY FROM THIS POST:
praise = when someone says you did something well
over the top = exaggerated, too much, over the limit
get carried away = when someone criticises you for going too far because you lose yourself in the moment so that you forget the world around you
withdrawn = shy, reserved, introverted
extra = in this context of “being extra”, it means you’re being too much; in German someone would call you “übertrieben”
overwhelmingly positive = almost all of the feedback was very positive
stick out like a sore thumb = IDIOM: normally used when a person really doesn’t fit into their surroundings, for example because they are wearing clothes that are completely unfitting for the situation
demented = crazy, out of control
to thrust = to push forward quickly
to duck = to pull down your head to protect it from something flying towards you
intertwine = to put your hands together so that all the fingers criss-cross
hilarious = very funny
you probably want to = we sometimes use this construction to make a suggestion in a very gentle way. Instead of saying “ You should…”, you can say “You may want you…”, “Maybe you want to try…”.
